somber evening

Tonight when I got home, I lit two candles and said a hail mary for Jonathan and Michael. It’s been a long time since I’ve been to church to worship. Now I pretty much go only for weddings or funerals or when sight seeing on vacation. In fact, I don’t think I’ve lit candles and prayed at home since a long ago Friday night dinner at the Herson’s. It’s a somber evening, but I’ve been listening to a reggae song that Briana gave me on a mix, that has the line ‘every day is good because of being alive,’ and this line resonates.

Earlier today I discovered that someone I know reunited with and slept with an old friend who is married with three young children. High school sweethearts who haven’t seen each other in ten years. On a weeklong conference in San Diego. First night in ten years and they got back together. She will return home to tell her husband.

My brow is furrowed trying to figure out how I feel about this. I have several scenarios that have unwound themselves in my head. (skeptic)Is the ultimate goal of this infidelity to get out of the marriage? (romantic) Are they two people who have loved each other from a distance for a decade only to finally fulfill their dream of being together? How can one break such a significant vow? I’m giving this too much thought. Why should I even feel anything? It’s not my life, and these people are only peripherally in my life through friends. It is not my place to pass judgment. But still, I am filled with sorrow, and anxiety, for the peril that the marriage and the children are now in. I think about my friends who have in the past few years, in such joy, pledged themselves to their loves. I remember watching at their weddings how real and tremendous and loyal love can be.

I am floored when I realize how often things like this happen. Marriages don’t last. Families are rearranged. It’s always surprising for me to witness it because it’s not part of my own experience, and I hope it never is.